Welcoming All Emotions

JOY.

It’s one of my core values. It’s expansive, warm, radiant, and full of possibility and opportunity. It’s what I want for myself and for others. It's why I coach. The written word itself is playful: short, open, somewhat symmetrical with the O connecting the smiling J and the upward reaching Y. You can "jump for joy" and bring "joy to the world." Who doesn’t want joy? 

It's hard to admit, but also me. For a long time, I was afraid of joy. I didn’t want it too close to me. It was okay to recognize joy, identify joy, but not embody it. In fact, I'm still getting used to accepting joy, to celebrating joy. I'm constantly discovering how to best live with joy.

What's wrong with joy, you might ask? Nothing is wrong with it, it's just that as much as joy represents possibility, bliss, satisfaction, happiness, it also opens us up to disappointment, sadness, and grief. Living with joy means living with its other half. One of the fundamental aspects of cultivating emotional intelligence is recognizing that all emotions are necessary and that there are no good emotions or bad emotions. They are simply indicators of important information. Emotions aren’t isolated and they aren’t hardwired. Our response patterns are learned. My learned instincts have taught me to push down disappointment and sadness. It felt (and sometimes still feels) safer to live without disappointment than to live with joy and sadness. 

I'm thinking about joy because I participated in an online meditation and movement retreat centered on joy this past Sunday. I woke up not feeling the joy. It was grey outside, I hadn’t gotten up before 8:00 am in over a week, and I didn’t have time for coffee before logging on. We moved through the day in experiences that felt familiar: meditation, yoga, tai chi. But then along came a conscious movement class. Hmm...sounds awkward: 50 people with their cameras on moving to eclectic music while exploring emotions. But hey, this is what I signed up for right? It was new, but I was curious.

A common narrative these days is to "sit" with our emotions. It can be an effective way to start understanding and acknowledging our emotions. It can also be insanely frustrating if you don't feel like sitting around all day. (I don't. But sometimes I do.) Movement-based explorations like yoga and tai chi are also great for checking in with yourself, but they include defined movements with little room for self-expression. So when asked to express emotions in movement, it was my chance to be what I was really feeling at that moment. It was my chance to move in my frustration, my sadness, my disappointment. I was given permission to feel absolutely awful at that moment. I was also pushed to conjure up some real joy. To put a smile on and imagine all the wonderful joyful moments: from wildflowers to hugs to rescued hedgehogs and pancake breakfasts. 

With movement and music, I was able to give those emotions their time to shine. By getting closer to sadness and disappointment, I'm working on being more comfortable with joy. If I'm "okay" with the difficult moments, I'm more willing to risk myself for joy. I'm shifting towards living with joy, rather than living without disappointment. They may exist together, but neither is permanent. 

So my challenge today is for you to think not about joy, but about sadness and disappointment. Sit with them, if you like to sit still. Or move with them if you're feeling funky. Get comfortable with them, so that when they arrive (and they will), you know what they are and how to be with them. That way, when joy comes, you won't be afraid to see it go. 

Sending smiles and hoping to talk to you soon, 

Henna 

PS: I'm attending some talks and panels with Six Seconds on Climate Emotions today and tomorrow. I think there's still room to sign up, free, if you're interested in the earth (yes!) and emotions (definitely!). 

PPS: The always inspirational Rumi on just this. A favorite from my dad. 

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi