A Formula for Resilience

I’ve been spending a lot of time on my roof recently. In Sicily homes are built with the summer in mind. Thick walls, small windows, and shutters keep the heat out. This means the warmest place in my home at the moment is outdoors. Sadly, my actual balcony with chairs and a table doesn’t get sun in the winter, so I’m forced out the side window to soak in the sun. 

This little leaf caught my eye the other day because he sprouted up all alone. Across the courtyard, there’s a semi-abandoned house with a whole forest of fern-like leaves on its roof, but over on my side, he stands alone. I’m always attracted to life that evolves in impossible places: lichen on shaded forest trees, poppies and dandelions sprouting from cement, the universe of worms that live on manatee skin. They are obvious examples of how expansive and persistent life can be. 

Other life forms seem to adapt so easily to uncomfortable surroundings. (In all honesty, I’d probably choose a roof view if I were a plant, but hugging onto a manatee all day wouldn’t be half bad either.) We humans are tested in similar ways. We end up in the metaphorical space “between a rock and a hard place” frequently over the course of life, and maybe even daily in today’s climate. It’s easy to become overwhelmed as we navigate input on various levels: everyday considerations of life like family, friends, work, workouts, meals, etc., and then on a larger scale the reality of a global pandemic, a polarized political system, and the impact of climate change. Phew. That’s a lot. So what is it that we humans need to bounce back from tough situations at any scale? 

This bounce-back-ability is often referred to as resilience. (There are many formal definitions of resilience, but I prefer the abstract and highly scientific “bounce-back-ability.”) How do we continue to thrive, grow and adapt in uncomfortable environments? I went to an online talk last week by Marilyn Atkinson (the founder of Erickson Coaching where I received my coaching qualifications) entitled “The Neuroscience of Resilience.” There were a lot of gems in the two-hour session, but my favorite takeaway was what she calls The Freedom Formula for Internal Resilience. It’s probably the only math formula that I don’t hate: 

I like to think of myself as a fairly bounce-back-able person. I’m naturally accident-prone and highly emotional so it’s imperative that my level of bounce-back-ability is above average just to get me through things like stubbing my toe, dengue fever (twice), and a mind absolutely ready to conjure up every possible worst-case scenario. 

Luckily, in my official self-assessment of internal resilience according to the formula, my innate stubbornness translates into a high level of commitment. The appreciation aspect is something I've been paying more attention to over the past years as I grow older (and greyer) and I realize that the culmination of my experiences (both good and bad) are responsible for getting me where I am now. But when it comes to forgiveness, that’s a much harder topic.

It got me thinking about what forgiveness, and especially self-forgiveness, means in the context of resilience and growth. This bounce-back-ability is applicable on many scales: on navigating huge changes (new relationships, new jobs, new homes, new phones) to navigating uncontrollable circumstances (grief, climate change, pandemics) but also in our everyday habits. Resilience also means moving towards what makes us feel good. So let’s talk about that:

I’m absolutely the kind of person who always set goals “starting Monday.” (Hint: most effective to set Monday goals on a Tuesday so you can dilly-dally all week before the next Monday rolls around). These goals are often small habits that might improve my everyday wellbeing, leading to feelings of confidence, accomplishment, and joy. Eventually, when Monday rolled around and if whatever I had committed to (yoga, a week without coffee, journaling for 15 minutes a day) did NOT happen, my internal dialogue would start up strong: “Over. Done. Fail. Guess we’ll chalk this week up to a wash. Let’s go back to loafing around in disappointment.” 

I’m still reallllllly tempted by this approach BUT at the same time, I’m starting to explore the more practical path outlined in above formula. It starts by changing up the inner dialogue: “Ok self…you drank a little extra coffee and now your hands are shaking so you can’t keep up your commitment to 15-minute writing sessions. I got ya. It’s ok. Let’s move on and reassess later in the day. It's not over. Maybe drink some water and eat some greens for lunch. And see where those fifteen minutes of writing might fit in. I forgive you, crazy mind, for thinking that this much coffee would ever a good idea.” 

In general, how we write the story in our minds about what is happening in our lives has a big effect on our reality and our resilience. Forgiveness or compassion might just be that hidden consideration in our bounce-back-ability. It’s not so obvious when we hear the popularized story of success. That story often goes along with the commitment aspect, like the Japanese proverb “Fall down seven times, stand up eight,” or the appreciation dialogues as in, “Just be grateful for what you have,” and “It could be worse.” These are all valid mindset shifts but they won’t make an impact if we aren’t just a tiny bit kinder with ourselves. If you put a 0 in anywhere on that formula, you're not gonna get anywhere. 

The moral of the story: math isn’t so bad, Tuesdays are just as good as Mondays to start something new, and that nature is kind of amazing. So whatever you’re working towards or struggling with, take a moment to check in on how forgiving you’re being to yourself. If you struggle to write a resilient self-story right now, try from this little leaf’s point of view:

“The sun is shining and this is great. I’m so committed to getting bigger and bolder and bringing joy to Henna as she sits on her roof. It’s ok I’m not in the same spot as all the others that are similar on the other side of the courtyard. I will continue as I am and as I can, stretching towards the sun.” 

That’s it for today. Thanks for reading and please, come say hi! Spread the word or read up on last my archived love letters. 

Sending sunshine,

Henna